Jokes 4

Nah, I don't wanna see these new jokes.

Guns vs Doctors 10 Marine Drivers New Military Oaths
Anagrams Different takes on the Chicken Male vs Female Definitions
Spell Checker Poem It's the Way of Nature New Bill of NO Rights
Life is Over Emailers Anonymous Marketing Screwups
A New Computer Virus Quoteable Quotes When I Die. . .




















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Guns vs Doctors

Alarming Statistics...

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician....0.171
(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner....0.0000188
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

"FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor."

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

Remember: guns don't kill people, doctors do.




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TEN MARINE DRIVERS  (Author unknown)

Ten Marine Drivers, cruising down the line. One had a heavy foot, and then there were nine. (Speed limits are set for your safety.)

Nine Marine Drivers, the hour was getting late. One dozed a moment, and then there were eight. (A tired driver is a dangerous one.)

Eight Marine Drivers, and the evening seemed like heaven. One showed his driving skill, and then there were seven. (Drive sensibly and sanely at all times. A car is no place for a clown.)

Seven Marine Drivers, their lives were full of kicks. One bought a bottle, and then there were six. (Gasoline and alcohol are a deadly mix. Don't drink and drive.)

Six Marine Drivers, impatient to arrive. One jumped a traffic light, and then there were five. (Don't gamble years of your life to save a few extra seconds.)

Five Marine Drivers, wheeling near the shore. One viewed the scenery, and then there were four. (Careful driving demands alertness at all times. Keep your eyes on the road.

Four Marine Drivers, happy as could be. One passed a car on a hill, and then there were three. (Never pass another car when your vision is obstructed.)

Three Marine Drivers, busy it is true. One neglected car repairs, and then there were two. (For safety's sake, keep your car in top condition.)

Two Marine Drivers, and the day was nearly done. One didn't beam his lights, and then there was one. (Slow down for dusk or darkness. Adjust your driving to existing conditions.)

One Marine Driver, who's still alive today. By following the safety rules, he hopes to stay that way.



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New Military Oaths

U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me.
I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously.
I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that.
I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my -snicker- "basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger.
I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it.
I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.
I consent to never getting promoted -EVER- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.

So help me God.

Signature:___________________ Date:     ________________



U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps.
I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.
I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my sexual-er-I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart.
I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy.
Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished.
I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school.
I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

Signature:___________________ Date:     ________________



U.S. NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim... Why not?"
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own.
I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter.
I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year.
I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

So help me Neptune.

Signature:___________________ Date:     ________________



U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, ________________ (state name here), swear... uhhhh...
high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies... ugh... Army wives....

OORAH!

So help me Corps.

Thumb Print:___________________



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Anagrams

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble!

Original

Anagram

-------------------------

---------------------------

Evangelist

Evil's Agent

Dormitory

Dirty Room

Desperation

A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code

Here Come Dots

Slot Machines

Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity

Is No Amity

Mother-in-law

Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms

Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness

Genuine Class

Semolina

Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries

Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point

I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes

That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two

Twelve plus one

Contradiction

Accord not in it

Something political:
"President Clinton of the USA"
The Anagram:
"To copulate he finds interns"
This one's truly amazing:
"To be or not to be, that is the question; whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
The Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
The Anagram:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"




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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

VICE PRESIDENT GORE
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.
SECRETARY CHENEY
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
RALPH NADER
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an extricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
GEORGE BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?




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Male vs Female Definitions

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.




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Spell Checker Poem

I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea.

When eye strike a quay or right a word
I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
and eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.

I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

--Author Unknown



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It's the Way of Nature

To the Editor: Every day some new do-gooder is trying to save us from ourselves. We have so many laws and safety commissions to ensure our safety that it seems nearly impossible to have an accident. The problem though is, that we need accidents, and lots of them.

Danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents. Since the dead don't reproduce, our species becomes progressively more intelligent (or, at least, less stupid).

With safety, however well-intentioned it may be, we are devolving into half-witted mutants, because idiots, who by all rights should be dead, are spared from their rightful early graves, and are free to breed even more imbeciles.

Let's do away with safety and improve our species. Take up smoking. Jaywalk. Play with blasting caps. Swim right after a big meal. Stick something small in your ear. Take your choice of dangerous activities and do it with gusto. Future generations will thank you.

LAWRENCE A BULLIS.
Phoenix



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New Bill of NO Rights

Thought for the Day: Bill Of Rights?

We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden delusional and other liberal bedwetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE 1: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III. You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV; You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI; You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII; You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.



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Life IS Over

Cop stops guy for going 50 in a 35 zone.  Guy gets out and walks back to the cop, shaking his hands in frustration, and says, "my life is over".
So the cop says, "Well, sir, you were only going 15 over the limit, I wouldn't call that life-threatening at this time; can I see your driver's license please?"
"It's been suspended."
"How about your vehicle registration, then?"
"The car is stolen."
"Do the license plates belong to the car?"
"The tags are stolen."
So the cop says, "Let me see if I got this straight: you're speeding on a revoked license in a stolen car, the tags are stolen and you have no registration or insurance.  I have to agree with you.  Your life IS over."



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Emailers Anonymous

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:

  1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  2. Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
  3. You turn off your Computer and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  4. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
  5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
  6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
  7. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  8. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
  9. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.     :)

AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:

  1. Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.




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Marketing Screwups

Subject: 10 Most Brilliant Marketing Screw Ups

  1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
  2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
  3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
  4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
  5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
  6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
  7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
  8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
  9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
  10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."




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A Funny Computer Virus

Beware of this new virus called "Badtimes", apparently this one is pretty nasty.

These are just a few signs of infection. Don't say I didn't warn you !!



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Quoteable Quotes





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When I Die. . .

When I die,
I want to go
peacefully like my
Grandfather did. . .
in his sleep.
Not screaming
like the
passengers
in his car.




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